the bonnie situation

in the height of the philosophical age of mankind, all the intellectuals came up with their own ways of explaining what life is. descartes claimed that "i think, therefore, i am" was the best approach to living; while some declared otherwise. my favorite philosopher is albert camus, because he's the one who asked: "why not commit suicide?"

the myth of sisyphus was about a demi-god who once dreamed so hard that he believed that he can outwit olympus' finest. too bad they found out about sisyphus, and punished his ass by making him carry a boulder for his whole life.

sadly, my answer to camus' question is that if i did take my life away it would be something i would end up regretting, therefore enlisting myself into this vicious cycle.

i've been trying so hard to make this work - staying silent and keeping still until provoked, and when that happens, always think before acting. but things just won't fucking work. people might think i never learned from my mistakes, but i actually did. i learned a lot. i've been staying out of trouble as much as i can and rising above the occasion only when needed. i shut my mouth when i'm not needed. it just so happens that sometimes, people do get angry and tend to overreact in a situation. but that's the angry person's problem already - not anyone else's.

i could be irrational, angry, impulsive, and self-centered. but i could also be kind-hearted, lovely, empathic, and peaceful. that's what people can't see. usually i'm just some stupid kid with a loud mouth, always shooting himself in the foot. if i had a dime for every situation that i've made awkward or worsened, i think i can buy heaven with that kind of wealth. and if i had a dime for every time i was seen as the zany old me, i'd be fucking dirt poor.

i'm close to giving up, maybe just one more squall and i'm good to go. nobody can take my word for anything anymore. i have trust issues. i'm stuck in this downward spiral.

dear jesus, you and your mighty angels know.

"there's a passage i got memorized. ezekiel 25:17. 'the path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the vally of darkness. for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. and i will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who atempt to poison and destroy my brothers. and you will know i am the lord when i lay my vengeance upon you.' i been sayin' that shit for years. and if you ever heard it, it meant your ass. i never really questioned what it meant. i thought it was just a coldblooded thing to say to a motherfucker 'fore you popped a cap in his ass. but i saw some shit this mornin' that made me think twice. now im thinkin', it could mean that you're the evil man. and i'm the righteous man. and mr. .45 here he's the shepherd protecting my righteous ass in the valley of darkness. or it could be you're the righteous man and i'm the shepherd and it's the world that's evil and selfish. i'd like that. but that shit ain't the truth. the truth is you're weak. and i'm the tyranny of evil men. but i'm tryin'. i'm tryin' real hard to be a shepherd."
-pulp fiction