he doesn't look a thing like jesus

all it took was one night for me to believe that there is hope for many things. i can still feel my ears ringing and my lungs burning from all the passion in the music.

like what brandon boyd said, "kudos to those who see through sickness." i think the only time i can be read like an open book is when i'm on stage. i'm emotionally crippled when i'm not playing music, but when i'm in the moment, when i surrender myself to that earfuck... that's it. that's just it. no more words. my stories are transposed into notes and measures, bars and chords, the backbeat, the rhythm, and the lead, and everything goes away like giant exodus.

i'm a vulnerable savior when i'm on stage.

i wish we had you by our side.

"it's sad to think what the state of rock and roll will be 20 years from now. it just seems like when rock and roll's dead the whole world can explode. and it's already so re-hashed and so plagiarized that it's barely alive now, you know. it's disgusting. i mean, kids don't really care about rock and roll as much as they used to... it's all turned into nothing but a fashion statement and an identity for kids to use, as a tool for them to fuck and have a social life. and at that point, i can't really can't see music's importance to a teenager."
-kurt cobain (from "about a son")

the bonnie situation

in the height of the philosophical age of mankind, all the intellectuals came up with their own ways of explaining what life is. descartes claimed that "i think, therefore, i am" was the best approach to living; while some declared otherwise. my favorite philosopher is albert camus, because he's the one who asked: "why not commit suicide?"

the myth of sisyphus was about a demi-god who once dreamed so hard that he believed that he can outwit olympus' finest. too bad they found out about sisyphus, and punished his ass by making him carry a boulder for his whole life.

sadly, my answer to camus' question is that if i did take my life away it would be something i would end up regretting, therefore enlisting myself into this vicious cycle.

i've been trying so hard to make this work - staying silent and keeping still until provoked, and when that happens, always think before acting. but things just won't fucking work. people might think i never learned from my mistakes, but i actually did. i learned a lot. i've been staying out of trouble as much as i can and rising above the occasion only when needed. i shut my mouth when i'm not needed. it just so happens that sometimes, people do get angry and tend to overreact in a situation. but that's the angry person's problem already - not anyone else's.

i could be irrational, angry, impulsive, and self-centered. but i could also be kind-hearted, lovely, empathic, and peaceful. that's what people can't see. usually i'm just some stupid kid with a loud mouth, always shooting himself in the foot. if i had a dime for every situation that i've made awkward or worsened, i think i can buy heaven with that kind of wealth. and if i had a dime for every time i was seen as the zany old me, i'd be fucking dirt poor.

i'm close to giving up, maybe just one more squall and i'm good to go. nobody can take my word for anything anymore. i have trust issues. i'm stuck in this downward spiral.

dear jesus, you and your mighty angels know.

"there's a passage i got memorized. ezekiel 25:17. 'the path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the vally of darkness. for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. and i will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who atempt to poison and destroy my brothers. and you will know i am the lord when i lay my vengeance upon you.' i been sayin' that shit for years. and if you ever heard it, it meant your ass. i never really questioned what it meant. i thought it was just a coldblooded thing to say to a motherfucker 'fore you popped a cap in his ass. but i saw some shit this mornin' that made me think twice. now im thinkin', it could mean that you're the evil man. and i'm the righteous man. and mr. .45 here he's the shepherd protecting my righteous ass in the valley of darkness. or it could be you're the righteous man and i'm the shepherd and it's the world that's evil and selfish. i'd like that. but that shit ain't the truth. the truth is you're weak. and i'm the tyranny of evil men. but i'm tryin'. i'm tryin' real hard to be a shepherd."
-pulp fiction

sometimes, i think:

every inch that the year breathes through its life is a disaster, and a chance for me to escape. the year is soon to end. i'm running out of exits and excuses to stay.

san bernardino line

this is the last train going west
i'm sitting next to memories haunting me.
the lights are flashing from downtown,
they say in whispers, forget about her.

a businessman is running fast
he thought he'd miss the train and sleep alone
the lawyer right behind my back:
she's trying to justify a forgery.

love is in the air
but it's always equated with a loss.
so where do you sit in this train?
beside the lovers,
or beside the ones in pain?

you see them slowly standing up
as we approach the stop for hollywood
there's a show tonight in vine
the lights from downtown pave the way.

the season basks in the interior
it comforts stories from our souls
this is the moment when i realize -
that there's a god above that guides the lights.

whatever the hell happened to us.

picturesque distress

i've had it with you,
and mexico can fucking wait.
-rilo kiley

so i can walk away

may be unrelated, but surgery's new song "so i can walk away" is now available here. it's the first song ysa wrote for our band, and she did nothing short of an awesome job at it.

surgery is playing on tuesday, may 19 2009, at mag:net katipunan, along with gasulina and other bands.

the things we don't hear

you said your vows and you closed the door
on so many men that would've loved you more.

-death cab for cutie

Cath...

it makes me wonder about the people around me. are these people settling for what they have, or would they go beyond their comforts and do something like this to prove a point? i really love this song because it talks about unspoken things.

tattooed memories

when you wrote i used to get so turned on,
because your every word
felt like a clandestine affair with angels and demons

(photo: The Hours)

san dimas high school football rules!

nothing could go wrong anytime that i'm with you.
like crashing a hotel room or leading up to that first kiss
or searching for a high school that you know doesn't exist
-the ataris

your kisses were tiny curses.

it frustrates me more than anything that i can't swear that this will be the last song (about you).

and you don't even face the goddamn music.

+

pisces

seaworld san diego '09.

could be my last photoblog post for this summer's LA trip because i'm going home in about three days. i have mixed feelings about it, but the fishies and the other animals made me happy today.

pacman: "i'm just doing my job in the ring."

this, my friends, is BUSINESS TIME. k.o.'d in round 2, and i'm glad i didn't waste $50 on PPV, or $10 on some random bar.

good job, manny p. sure as hell put mayweather senior and his brit boy hatton in the right place. the other camp can eat their own words now. okay, this is crazy but growing up in a sports-afficionado environment, i can say that i have never seen such a winner in manny pacquiao until tonight. yeah, i've already told people about my prediction, that i'm not so afraid of pacquiao's fight with hatton - but the pacman shamelessly put an exclamation point to that remark! jeez, that man is all power and pinoy pride.

vitamin water, anyone?

third time's a charm

i think i was able to write a song in the subway today.

third time to amoeba today, purchased the following:
1. a book about MTV unplugged. original price: $50. got it for $3.99
2. nirvana unplugged in new york. collector's edition.
3. about a son - a video documentary about kurt cobain, accompanied by his own interview tapes and musical score by ben gibbard and some other fellow.

plus i got a bag for free because the girl in the counter appreciated my kurt cobain fanboyism. hurray.

last stretch here in LA. love/hate it.